(Not So) Lost In Translation

Article By Jerrica

So after a staggering one post and a bit of annoyance with my dearest friend, I took a hiatus from CMT. I come back to a shit-ton of indecipherable nonsensical babble  from Factor.  Oh God, what has he wrought? More importantly, what on Earth was Matt thinking when he allowed Factor to “write” unedited? I face-palmed a bit more and then came to a decision. I’m going to translate some of Factor’s drunken posts into coherent speech.

“Me” by Mitch “I am actually White” Factor.

Hi everyone in the lovely blogosphere who happens to graciously glance upon my posts! This is my first post! Nice to make your acquaintance, I’m Mitch Factor! :) Due to severe learning disabilities and being dropped repeatedly on my head as a child, I lack basic spelling skills. It would be kindly appreciated if you would refrain from derogatory remarks or there may be an unwanted fist in your near future in an area of your body that you don’t approve of. I am also lacking basic grammar skills, and thus will resort to my nonexistent  vocabulary that consists of mainly curse and fake words. If you happen to find me offensive, remember, I enjoy fellatio.

CMT Administration: Please continue to offer these translation services free of charge to the public at large.  Mitch’s incoherent babble may now be understood by all those with eyes.  Thank again, management.

I Scream, You Scream

Article by Matthew Ryan

What a fucking day.  Today was a fucking emotional rollercoaster.

So the site looks good, little bit of controversy never made the sky fall.  CMT has recently recruited some talented (some skill-less) authors to help communicate the general frustration we have with everything.

We’ve got Jerrica, a wonderful person with a talent for reasoning and a witty sense of homour that we love here at CMT.

Then there’s Mitch Oh-Shit-You-Ate-That? Factor. What can we say for him that hasn’t already been said about 911?  Horrible, tragic and misunderstood.  He’s style is much more wild tangeant than most would prefer but I think somewhere beyond that fleshy, beefy exterior is a small child, clawing at the insides of his stomach just angering him more and inspiring his open taunts.

Rumor has it that only one of these authors will remain with us and I hope that isn’t true.  Naturally, you all want to see Factor gone but fuck you, he stays.  Jerrica is half owner now but… apparently she may feel compelled to abandon us due to a minor transgression.

Can’t dwell on that shit, fuck it all.

A friend of mine has lost his house and belongings, another lost the same via divorce, another lost her life.

In the meantime, my personal life has just shaken itself up a bit and my sex life has certainly improved.  The things this woman can do makes me proud to have begun coitous at the ripe age of 8.  But along with that came the inevitable “Stop fucking with me, where do we stand, dickhead?” chat.

After various financial troubles, my vehicle is working, insurance costs more than the value of the car itself and there is no gas in the tank.

After a year of self-employment, I prepare for a journey tomorrow with a new company and it’s hopes to succeed in Web-level offerings in a dead motor city town.  Needless to say, I have no faith in their product and must attempt to hussle web designs and cool new exciting extradinary sexy fonts and shit to laid off Chrysler workers or pissed off unionized civil servants or cabbies because who the fuck else has money?  Not a damn person in this soul-crushing apex.

I miss the days when I fucked a lot, smoked too much, had good grades, friends and everyone was working.

You’re all boring me now, write something shitty in the comments and call me tomorrow baby.

I HATE U

Article by MITCH Loud-Ass-Cripple FACTOR

Alright look i do not give a flying fuck as to y my bullshit ass City is on strike get back to work u fuckin u lazy cock suckers.I dont give a flying fuck as to y u r on strike all i know is that in such a shitty time to have a job u worthless fucks go on strike for 12 weeks now. I do not feel sorry for n e of u LASY COCK SUCKING FUCKS.Every god damn day when i drive by n see u fucks walking around i Shoot u the finger u lazy fuck get ur fuckin ass back to work. U can all suck my fuckin fat cock u fucks should think of how god damn lucky u r.YOU have such a good job that pays like 17 a hour but u know u fags have to go on strike like pussys.And do no try n make me feel bad when iam trying to get rid of my garbge at the dump and i do not want to tlak to u or sign n e shit so fuck off. And i swear to fuck if u cock suckers keep on giving me shit i will smash u fuckin neck with a fuck tire iron. Then when I’m watching tv u guys are on there crying n shit ” oo its the mayrs fault”  Fuck that u got a fuckin job homos so go n do it. And i swear to fuck if i can get a job as a scab i will take that shit all day and drive by u fucks and wave my pay cheque in fuckin face and oh ya i cross the LINE every day with a smile on my face.Ya and u fucked think ur cool by not letting kids play baseball or soccor i hope that those kids all break in everyone of ur homes and cars and jsut fucks up ur whole life jsut becuz they have nothing to do u fucks.I hate fuckin hope that each one of u fuckin cry babys breaks ur fuckin legs and then cant walk around all day bitchin n crying u fuck babys. Be fuckin thankful u got a fuckin job u fuckin queers. For know one when i drive by iam going to yell at the tob my FAT FUCKIN BLACK LUNGS ” GO BACK TO WORK FUCK FAGS” then thro all my garbge at u and laugh then fuck all ur daughters and mothers and sisters and fathers and brothers jsut to piss u off. So in closing GO FUCK UR SELF GET BACK TO WORK U UNGREATFUL FUCKS AND IAM THE REASON Y UR SISTER CRYS AT NIGHT.

Sluts

Article by Mitch Is-It-In-Yet? Factor

Iam so confussed about fuckin shit. Women say “we are not sluts stop sayin that” Bull fuckin shit does n e one every listin to music or ppl talk. NoW before all the fuckin women out there get a pissed off at me and start send me hate mail hear me out and ima not saying every girl is a slut but yet every girl has a lil slut in them.Everyday when iam driving around and looking around the streets all i see is women in front of the university just fuckin Slutted out and ima like u r in university wut if we meet and i said” fuck dat iam not pulling out” now wut there goes your whole fuckin life because u got drunk and fucked the fat kid from the ghetto. And like i was saying girls aree all like” we are not sluts men need to stop saying that” well to that i say” WEll stop sucking 10 dicks in 1 year” And every song i hear with some girl in it refers to gettin they fuck on or home boy tasting her goodies. And all these girls are singing it and trying to tell me they r not sluttty bullshit if i see u singing that one really fucked up song u the one about getting ur pussy licked u are fukin SLUT do not give a shit if u go to fuckin church every day u sing that shit wit gurls or n e other song like my dick is goin move towords ur mouth cuz u singing like a slut. So for all those girls who say they r not sluts but yet u wear them small skirts and short shorts stop crying cuz u fuckin KNO u love the fuckin attention and with a few drinks u will love me even more.And strippers When strippers get mad when u call them a slut that ahs the biggest fuckin most dumb thing ever U dance for money u r a fuckin whore.So if n e one got offened by this blog i jsut wrote fuckin u and ur probly a slut and like i said NOT all women are sluts just hose groups i mentioned so if u dont want to be though of as a slut then stop singing slutty songs and dancing all over a dick on the dance floor. and cloing I FUCKIN LOVE SLUTS DONT NOT STOP BEING SLUTTY LADIES BECUZ I NEED SOMTHING TO THINK ABOUT WHILE IN THE SHOWER AND WITH THAT SAID NO MORE PULLING OUT FOR THIS GUY AND HIS ONE NIGHT STANDS

Pulling Out

Article by Mitch Never-Soft Factor

So iam trying to listin to some music before i go to bed. I grab my Zune and a pair of headphones but not the ones that u put on ur head its those small fuckin ones that only jam in ear.So now ima trying to jam this tiny ass earphone into my big ass ear and its not working so now my mind is going fuckin nuts and iam getting ready to go postal on my shit.the part i dont get is that this has to be the shitest thing ever with several reasons behind it.First it takes like 3 fucking min  to finaly get them in ur ear and always one side is right n there but the other side is jsut hanging there and then u touch it to see if its in ur ear and then it falls out.Second when ur are walking or running with this shit ass thing in ur ear they are ALWAYS falling out wich is a pain in the fuckin ass and when u look around it looks like they only work for skinny ass white ppl so again fuck that.And for the thrid thing they suck they dont even play music that good so fuck those small ass head phones.THe best kind the one that realy go on ur head and cover ur ears y u fuckin ask? becuz they are easy to use. And the fucking music sound 10xs better i aint got time to be fuckin with some bullshit ass ear phones so fuck dat shit who even invented this things should be fuck started by urs truley.So in closing all i have to say is that FUCK YOU AND PULLING OUT OF PREGNANT CHICKS IS POINTLESS

Icon Idiocracy

Article by Ryan Matthew

This week has been quite a history maker.   This week Farrah Fawcett passed away followed shortly after by Suck-Kids-Dicks Michael Jackson.

Fuck Michael Jackson,

He will not be missed.  Granted, he made Chris Tucker seem cool some remarkable tunes but who gives a fuck; weirdo died.  He was never truly happy, was quite lonely and obviously sick.  Too much wealth, too little reality and a lot of perversion leaves no tears in my eyes for that cock-smoking idiot.
John Lennon is missed, Easy-E is missed, Tupac is missed (not by the gunfire, too soon?) but that psycho fuck Michael Jackson can rot.   One fuck-o down, the Christian clergymen left.

Don’t even get me started on Kurt Cobain, fuck him, too!  Moron.  I like making music but I hate appreciation, KA-BLOAW! There goes another handicapable face.  Fuck everything he loved.

Fucking bye!

ME

Article by Mitch Often-Eats-Whole-Chicken FACTOR

Hello to all u ppl who r reading this shit. This is my first time writing some shit on the web.So allow me to introduce my self iam mitch factor. I can not speel very wel so if u see a spelling mistake and u have to point it out to me jsut to make u self feel better Go fist urself. I do not use big words or understand them again same as the speeling Fist urself and yes i have very bad grammer and swear a fucking alot. If i offened u Suck me. So for my first blog i want to talk about Micheal fucking Jackson. I swear to fuck if i see one more god damn person crying on tv i will walk down the street and Boot fuck every cat,dog or what ever small animal i can find. The fuckin weirdo was a fuckin peddy the man FUCKED lil kids with jesus juice and shit.; Bad enough the fuck had a fuckin ferris whell in the back yard if i was his neighbour i would be pissed man a big fuckin ferris whell blocking the sun and shit plus all the lil kids running around fuck that shit. That and the dude was black and now he is white how fucked up are u like for real.”o he was the king of pop” Fuck that there are so many other ppl that are better icons for pop he was not the king maybe the king of peddys thats about it.”With out him we would not have all the great artist we have now”. Fuck that shit to yes we would u fuckin idoits i’am fucking glad that fuck bit the bullet fuck him and his petting zoo.So for my first blog ever which i jsut found out wut a blog is i say FUCK MJ. Ya and 1 more thing hes dead now so stop cancling all the good shows on tv to pay tributes to hime fuck that i want to watch the movie JUICE but i cant cuz fucko Died thats it for now like i said if i offened u at all. GO SUCK A LEMON

A Thing Called Etiquette

Article by Jerrica

You know how you love to go out and eat at a restaurant? There are some freaking rules you should follow.

1. For fucks sake, don’t go out to eat if you’re in a pissed off mood. It sucks for not only you, but for me and the people you’re with. You’re fucking annoying and you need to just stay at home.

2. Food sucks? Send it back. Don’t feel bad about it. The kitchen sucks sometimes. But remember, if your food sucks, NOT MY FUCKING FAULT. Don’t get bitchy with me. If you’re nice to me, I’ll do everything in my power to make you happy. If you’re a bitch, you’ll get nothing.

3. Do NOT go out to eat if you can’t afford to pay at least a 15% tip. The general standard now is 18%. Don’t order a goddamn $20 entree if you can’t afford to tip me on it. I get paid a measley $2.13 an hour. I live off those tips. $2.00 tip on a $50 bill, is UNACCEPTABLE. I also have to tip out to the bartender and the bussboy, so you’re just really fucking me over. Can’t afford the tip? Stay the fuck home.

4. Bringing your kids? That’s cool, just fucking control them. I’m not a babysitter and contrary to popular belief, your $2.00 tip on your $50 bill, does not include baby sitting duties or sweeping up the fucking enormous mess you let your little crotch droppings make. How hard is it to keep food on the table? Even adults are messy as fuck.

5. Want to sit there and talk for 2 hours? Fuck you. If we’re clearly busy, you’re being a dick. Eat your food and GET OUT. I can’t turn tables and make money if you’re just sitting there taking up a whole table. In the amount of time half you assholes sit there, I could have made another $30.

Knowing Assholes

Article by Ryan Matthew

If you’re a friend of mine, you’re a douchebag.  Fortunately for you, today only, it’s not your fault.

I made several plans with several of my friends only to have all 5 ditch sans courtesy call.  Hahaha.

It’s all good, I decided to hurt improve myself through lifting weights and jogging with my german shephard.  =/ Crysis averted?

I’m sure one of them will call me tomorrow….. right?

A Guy Named Scott

Article by Ryan Matthew

I met a guy.  That’s a lie, a friend of mine complained about a guy she knows.  Simply put, he’s a fucking douchebag.

Generally, I don’t really care about much.  Pretty laid back, ya know, I only get passionate about sex, ya know.  But some shit just does not fly and I think that you are going to agree.

A guy named Scott, we’ll call him (because that is his name) loves himself.  This man considers himself to be THE coolest person alive.  He can fish and fish well, sing and bring tears to your eyes, perfect hole in one everytime he swings a golf club kind of motherfucker, ya know?  Superiority complex, narcassistic type ‘o cock and has the nerve to disagree with everyone about damn near everything possible.

Opinionated prick, if you’re reading this you vain waste of semen, I hope you choke on the next cock you swallow.   To all the readers that are comfortably (and un-comfortably) homosexual, I apologize for that last remark.  That was indeed offensive.  No tears, please.